WELCOME TO THE SOMETIMES SOLO MOMS

Let me guess, you’ve been scouring the internet trying to find someone who can relate to your life? 

You’re not a single parent by means of the widely understood definition of a single parent, but your partner is rarely home to help you raise the kids or take part in managing the household. You love your husband and appreciate the hard work he puts into financially supporting your family, but you can’t seem to relate to the married couple next door, because you never get to do “couple” things, let alone actually see your partner, sleep in bed next to them at night, or actually have a deep, meaningful conversation.

You’re not a Military family, and would never compare yourself to those families, but you sure feel like you relate to those women a lot better because they understand what it’s like to have your spouse gone all the time. So you don’t fit there either.

So where do you fit? 

THIS ONE’S FOR THE SOLO PARENTS - SINGLE MOMS DON’T COME AT ME!

If you’re a “single mom” and you’ve somehow found your way here, either walk away now, or continue with caution and compassion. I’ve been across the gambit of social media posts and the response is always the same - Single Moms getting defensive when they hear the word “solo parent” coming from a woman who describes her situation as being married, and financially supported, but that her spouse works away from the home for extended periods of time. On the other hand, if a woman describes her situation as “Military” then somehow it’s understood to be hard. 

The problem is that every family has their own hardship for different reasons and unless you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, it’s difficult to fully grasp the other version of hard. So please proceed with compassion. 

This blog post isn’t for the quote “single moms” or the “military moms”. No. This is for the in-between women. The ones who are happily married, yet only see their spouse on an irregular, and often unpredictable and sporadic basis. The ones who, to the outside world, function as a married couple, making tough decisions together, yet aren’t actually functioning like a married couple due to the distance, time zone differences, and work responsibilities that keep them from talking and connecting like partners should. 

After searching for years for a way to describe my situation and coming up empty-handed, I finally gave myself a new label. I have coined these women the Sometimes Solo Mom. 

WHO NEEDS A LABEL, ANYWAY?

Cognitively, our brains LOVE labels. Labels help sort information quickly in order for us to categorize information. Just take a look inside your pantry or on the side of your husband’s tool box. I’m sure there are labels, or at the very least, some sort of bin or drawer to help with the organization. 

When it comes to parenting, we also use labels to categorize and understand families. Here are some of the most commonly known (and understood) parenting categories.

• Single Mom

• Co-Parents

• Married Couple

• Military Wife

• DINK (double income no kids)

• Solo Parent by Choice

• Widowed

• And the newest one I’ve heard…. Married, Single Mom - oof. This one’s a doozy!

So why do we label ourselves as parents?

Labeling yourself within a parent group can offer a sense of belonging and community with like-minded people. Labels often communicate aspects of your life to others in a quick manner to help you to relate on a more personal level. Additionally, they can also help you articulate your values, beliefs, or your shared experiences which all contribute to a sense of self-understanding. 

In this case, labeling yourself into a parent type, such as a widowed mom, can offer a way to communicate to others more about your situation without a lengthy explanation. 

Today, I’m offering you a new label: Sometimes Solo Parent

In my experience, there is much controversy over certain parenting labels and how they are defined. I’m going to offer you my take on each one, so you can decide where you fit.

Let’s get into it shall we?!

Let me pause here to say, this isn’t about debating which family dynamic is the hardest to navigate. We all have “hard”. Each of us, no matter our family dynamic, has had to navigate our own version of hard and likely for very different and often misunderstood reasons.

So this isn’t about whose life is harder or why, but to give you a sense of what I believe each category entails and how one might feel they fit there. 

Shall we continue?

THE SINGLE MOM

The Single Mom: One who has children from previous relations. Now raising children and fully supporting them financially and being the sole decision-maker for their well-being. 

THE CO-PARENTING DYNAMIC

Co-parenting situations come in all shapes and sizes. Some co-parenting dynamics are cordial and both parents are doing what is best for the kids. Other times, co-parenting is having to navigate difficult situations with your child’s other parent. 

Either way, there is likely some mix of shared financial responsibility along with shared decision-making in regards to the children. 

TRADITIONAL MARRIED COUPLE (and family)

When you think of the typical nuclear family - 2 parents, 2.5 kids, and a dog, you’re probably picturing some version of the traditional married couple. In this picture, one or both parents go to work and walk through the door at 5 pm. They eat dinner, divide and conquer to shuffle kids to activities, and take turns with bath night and bedtime stories. Financial support and emotional well-being of the family is shared between two responsible adults. Important decisions are talked through when the kids go to bed or at the dinner table.  When one parent needs a break or wants to go to a book club or the gym, the other parent is available to take the lead. 

MILITARY FAMILY

Do we need to review the dynamic here? This might be one of the most commonly understood terms to help people understand a married couple being separated by thousands of miles. 

When you hear Military family, I’m sure some version of a woman home with kids while a man is deployed in a remote location is what comes to mind.  Kids haven’t seen Dad (or Mom) in months or over a year. I imagine there’s some sense of camaraderie or support system available to help, but not always. 

I don’t know the ins and outs of the Military lifestyle, but I do know that when someone mentions a Military family dynamic, there is some semblance of understanding the difficulty they likely face in day to day life. 

DINK- DOUBLE INCOME NO KIDS

These people are out here just living life, not worrying about the rest of us -until they have to stand in line at the grocery behind some Mom and all her kids. 😆

SOLO PARENT BY CHOICE

This is a term you may not have heard of until now. From what I gather, it’s usually someone who wanted kids, but was facing a biological time frame of not meeting a partner, so they took matters into their own hands to create their family. No partner was physically or emotionally involved in creating the family unit - think anonymous donation.

From what I understand, Solo Parents by Choice usually come to be through adoption or insemination. From what I gather, these people didn’t want to be labeled as “single parents” so they sought out their own label and came up with “solo by choice”.

Why does the term “single parent” feel like such a negative connotation? 

WIDOWED

Similarly to the Military family, I don’t think this one needs an explanation. The general population has some understanding of how or why this family dynamic would be difficult and what it means for someone to be widowed.

MARRIED, SINGLE MOM

OOF! I was down the rabbit hole of TikTok one night searching for solo parenting content and came across so many women identifying as married, single moms. Sadly, I found it to be a label they gave to themselves because they felt like a single parent due to the lack of support from their partner. The women who have a spouse, but feel more like they care for an extra child and don’t get the support they need from a partner when they walk through the door at the end of their work day. 

SOMETIMES SOLO PARENT

That brings me to why we are here…to find a label for you, so when you meet another “solo parent” you can quickly and easily relate. Let me introduce you to the Sometimes Solo Mom! 

• Married

• Kids 

• Partner who travels multiple days/weeks/months at a time or requires multi-day shift work out of the home leaving you to be the default/primary parent and tend to the home on your own while your partner is away. The schedule is usually demanding and more than 50% of the time.  

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Now that you are familiar with who a sometimes solo parent is and you feel that you can relate, it is my sincere hope that you will continue to do the work to find your people and connect in a meaningful way. We have our own unique struggles and many people will try to downplay them, but find your fellow Sometimes Solo Parents and stick together. 

Find the people that understand what it’s like to have to make daily decisions about your kids without consulting your partner- who has an interest in raising them - but isn’t always available to talk through the pros and cons before making the decision. 

Find the people who understand that shit always hits the fan the moment your partner walks out the door, leaving you to figure it out on your own. Whether it be a burst pipe, an overflowing septic system, a child with a broken arm, a dying pet, or something else. I know you’re handling the emotional, mental, and physical burden of handling the situation while still making sure the home is functioning as normal. There’s no downtime. 

Find the people who understand what it’s like to keep a marriage alive, or start a family, when you’re not able to be in the same room every day or even every week.

Find the people who understand the resentment that builds because of your partner’s work schedule, but knowing full well you love them so deeply and appreciate the support they provide, you constantly have an internal battle with yourself. 

Find the people who understand the deep feeling of loneliness because your partner is away, yet craving alone time because you’re always with your kids. 

Find the other Sometimes Solo Parents. They are out there. 

You’ve found one. Me.

Be sure to subscribe to my email list so we can stay connected and share in the highs and lows of being a Sometimes Solo Mom!

Welcome home.